they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I checked into jail on foursquare
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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