You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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