i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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