I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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