I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
