Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
