My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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