i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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