I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
