WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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