So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
