remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
