good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
