just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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