dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
