i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
