I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize