is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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