So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
