its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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