i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
