it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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