i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
