What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
