i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize