i wish there were pregnant emoticons
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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