Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
