Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
