i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
