ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
