I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
