Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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