you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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