theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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