First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
