dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How external is "for external use only"?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
