Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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