I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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