I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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