he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize