Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
