He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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