Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize