she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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