Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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