I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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