i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize