omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
