we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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