I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
