im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
