either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
