So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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