Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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