you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
