just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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