I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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