Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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