Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
